The Bench that Hit Back
Recess would be the time to run free,
After being inside practicing tracing K’s around pages.
Run short, long, straight, up, down, anywhere.
Tumbling out of the Little Tikes Jr. gym,
Hands on the ground, one foot too far ahead
I couldn’t stop.
Monkey bars were my favorite.
Swinging forward and up, my stomach dropped with excitement.
When my hands were too sweaty I moved to the balance beam;
Pink like Pepto-Bismol, steady as a log in white rapids.
I loved the challenge and the thrill
Each obstacle increasing my imagination.
To be five and curiously competitive is dangerous
Or so I learned.
The scuffed plastic jungle gym was boring,
It was dull and old and not intriguing
Until the day I tumbled and ran
Falling through the rabbit hole.
Climbing head-first out of the top round cutout
I placed hands then foot on the grassy dirt ground.
The next foot went forward and I tripped.
The back foot flew forward and I tripped.
The trip turned into a run,
The run turned into a bench.
I ran straight and fast that day
Coming full stop with my head pounding and my face screaming.
To be five and not playing is concerning.
A black eye swelled like a prize fighter.
A dimple remains from the bench,
The Little Tikes Jr. gym remains dull and old.
I love the balance of describing your surroundings/the setting, with your own subjective experience and perspective, Honey.
ReplyDeleteWhen you say, "To be five and curiously competitive is dangerous
Or so I learned" do you mean that it isn't dangerous to be competitive? Maybe a little unclear.
-Talya
I enjoyed the repetition in wording as it really tied your poem together nicely. Ending in a conflict had me hooked until the very last line. I was concerned when I read " Steady as a log" expecting it to end in a cliche comparison and was pleasantly surprised when it didn't. Overall very enjoyable poem.
ReplyDeleteThis poem is a good start to the class, because it is moving in the direction of showing rather than telling by use of descriptive imagery that appeals to the senses. In some places, though, you show, THEN tell, when the telling (usually with an abstraction) is not needed. For example, in this line: "Swinging forward and up, my stomach dropped with excitement." The image of a stomach dropping already SHOWS the excitement, so labeling it with an abstraction takes away from the line. It works better if you end with "My stomach dropped" and cut the excitement part.
ReplyDeleteOther lines that are flatly told, rather than showing include ones like these:
I loved the challenge and the thrill
Each obstacle increasing my imagination.
Can you see how that is telling rather than showing? And notice the abundance of abstractions? There are four of them in two lines, and that makes things rather vague and airy.
Or take a look at these lines:
The scuffed plastic jungle gym was boring,
It was dull and old and not intriguing
That is telling your readers things too flatly. "Scuffed plastic jungle gym" is good though. More like that, please!
Also, I really like your title. It's catchy and memorable.
I love your attention to detail by bringing in specific memories within the larger one like "tracing K's around pages" and "scuffed plastic jungle gym", which brought images to mind. You also describe your 5-year old self in a clear and defined way which is nice. The ending could be slightly clearer though where you describe how you got the injuries. Maybe it's because it escalates quickly in the end unless you intentionally wanted it to be fast-paced so your writing embodies the experience you had then and there.
ReplyDeleteYour stanza structure makes me feel ‘the kid.’ Except, it doesn't rhyme, so I immediately know that something is wrong - so smart to do it that way. There were also some pieces of gold that I just have to point out.
ReplyDeletePink like Pepto-Bismol
Until the day I tumbled and ran / Falling through the rabbit hole.
A dimple remains from the bench