Growing Old -- Growing Up
If I just wait then I will
never grow.
I’ll learn to pass my knowledge
and to teach
For one who waits in place shall
never know
That beauty lies ahead beyond
your reach.
Matured adults do not look back
and see
That life has tried to keep them
all cooped up.
The greatest gift in life is to
be free
But somehow, we grow blind and
are corrupt.
Ahead the gorgeous clouds that fog my
sight
Which stop before I get to
truly feel,
Surrender me to birds that must
take flight
Remind me never look beyond what’s
real.
When I grow old and fly above
the clouds
I hope that I will make my young-self
proud.
While reading this sonnet, I think your word choice struck me the most. I thought the rhymes weren't forced, and they flowed beautifully. The poem has an otherworldly feel to it, and the use of words pertaining to nature and the sky make for a lofty, tranquil read. The only thing I'd recommend is removing a few extraneous words throughout the poem, and condensing some of the lines, as this will make for a more powerful read (ie: "That life has tried to keep them all cooped up"--> "that life has tried to coop/shut them up." Just a suggestion.) Overall, beautiful job!
ReplyDeleteThis sonnet is beautifully articulate on the topic of growing up and what happens to us when we go through that growth. I would agree with Sophia about condensing some of the lines in order to keep the flow seamless. Lines like “we grow blind and are corrupt” sound a tad awkward to me…I would take out “are”…in some cases this might mess up the meter but sometimes that is okay (as long as most of it is in meter).
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your sonnet. It is very close to being in metrical form, and your rhyme scheme is perfect. The poem consistently tracks a theme and a line of thought and shows focus and persistence. My favorite line here is "Surrender me to birds that must take flight."
ReplyDeleteMy biggest thought for improvement is to find a way to get that first line into better meter. While the rest of the poem is in near-perfect iambic pentameter, that first line is somewhat off. (I realize I didn't go into this in your email to me.)
The first line starts with two iambs, but then it goes off meter in the middle, beginning with "here." Let's see, how might this work out...
If I just just wait to age I'll never grow
If I just wait for you I'll never know.
etc.
Keep playing with it, and I think you can easily fix those two middle feet that are off rhythm. Good job learning how to write in meter so quickly. It can be a real challenge for some poets.
I think this is a really touching poem. You clearly phrased each line very carefully, thinking about the meaning. In particular, I liked the last line, "I hope that I will make my young-self proud." Maybe because you can never actually go back in time and leave an impression on your young-self, the line had something pleasantly poignant about it. I'd like to mention a few minor technical things: first of all, I don't think a sonnet should have spaces between the stanzas. It should be written as one solid piece. (I think.) Secondly, in the line "that beauty lies ahead beyond your reach", maybe substitute the "you" with his/her? Because in the previous line, you're talking about "one", not "you". Better stick with the third person. But otherwise very nice.
ReplyDeleteI think your meter's very good!
Honey, I love this poem! My favorite line is, "Ahead the gorgeous clouds that fog my sight." I feel like fog is commonly used to describe some sort of ominous, hazy scene, but you juxtapose that with the word "gorgeous." The fog still may be scary to the narrator, yet, she is able to see beyond it, thus rendering the fog meaningful.
ReplyDeleteOne small point: I believe the verse "Which stop before I get to really feel" could be made even more powerful without the word "really," which may come across as trivial. I don't want to suggest anything specific of fear of messing up the poem's meter, but maybe a word that better describes the meaning of "feeling"
*Purple text is edits
ReplyDelete